Roller Coaster Ride

Have you ever been on a ride that has a lots of twists and turns, goes fast, slows down and suddenly picks up speed. You never know what comes next. You just hold your breath to face the next moment. When it slows down, you feel a tinge of joy that it's over, but no it speeds up again.

Yes we all have been on that and will be. It's called LIFE. Today I feel my life to my nothing other than that roller coaster ride. I'm waiting for all the twists and turns to get over. But, I also know this when it's done with I will want more of it. ...And so is life..

If I look back, the time from when I entered a new phase of life called Marriage, I've been in this roller coaster ride. My life has changed a lot in the past 3.5 years. Yes, been married for that short a period. But, in that time itself I've changed 4 locations and 3 jobs.  I've been in and out of job. I've gone through my highs and lows.

Right now, the twists and turns that are giving a churn in my stomach is my job. I have a job still I don't have it. I'm in a limbo state. I'm waiting to get a new project, but it has so many factors to it. Hope I get in same city,  hope I get in a nearby location, hope I don't have to drive and hope I can do it. I'm in short lacking a bit in confidence and I guess a lot of things. As usual, this is a phase for me and it will pass on. But, until then I've to wait for this uncertainty to get over.

Few days back I was having a conversation with a dear friend. Where in I was trying to convince my dear friend that marriage is good. While my friend kept giving me the good things of being single. I wonder if that conversation changed my friend's mind or not, but it did for me. I started wondering I was so happy when I was single. Just catering to my needs. Being independent in all aspects of life. No it's not that I am being stopped, but then I have a responsibility now. I and my partner are together in it. I'm not alone. I am no longer a bachelor. And before one deduces anything, I love him dearly. It's just that thinking about those days give me a kick. 

I am still waiting for that day, when the ride will slow down. I will be in India and will have a decent job. I know the ride will again take a turn, but I'm waiting for that slow down.

An alien resident

I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I hate staying here so much. Why? People are craving to come here. They say it has more money and a lifestyle. Better infrastructure, better living conditions, better everything. Then why don't I find any of these things better here.

First and foremost I am an alien in this country and I always will be. I will always have to spell out my name so that people can understand it. Even if I become a citizen of this country, my language, my culture is still going to be the same. I will still be an Indian by heart and by birth. Nothing would change.

Today, if I am able to earn a lot of dollars, I wonder what would change? I'll be able to repay my home loan in India, but for what reason? I am staying here, so might as well sell that house? Why keep a base there? Even if I return to India after say 10 years, will I be comfortable? Won't I say India is lacking in this and that? More money means what? Benefit of spending more? But, on whom? I, me and myself!! What about my parents who have raised me spending their hard earned money? No- they don't need money? They need me-to be physically present around them at this age. To be loved, cared and tendered. Can I become so selfish that I stay here for my enjoyment? But, to be honest if I do all this - will I be really enjoying? Would there be a limit to earning money...and of course if I'm spending all the time to earn money, will I get time to enjoy it now or am saving it for later, when am 50-60 then I start enjoying life?

Talking about lifestyle - what does it mean? Are we spending more? No, one is still staying in a 1 bedroom apartment or even a shared apartment. On is still buying stuff from Walmart, Target, and searching for all cheap stores? IF you really want a lifestyle, then buy things which are really classy. You still buy clothes in Sale from Macy's or JC penny? Why, go buy from Ann Taylor or Nordstorm or any other decent store? You are still eating chipotle or cafes? Why don't you go for dine-ins? You are still buying used furniture? - Why don't you buy stuff from Ashley's?

It is such a lonely life here, if you are alone from your company then you are not even greeted or accepted by other people in your own community? Where is the freedom? You are so tied in this visicious cycle. You have weekends off, but what you end up doing on that day - Laundry, Ironing, Cleaning, Cooking, Bank work, Market work, what else... so where did the weekend go?

Seriously tell me is this life? Yea, I might sound too negative here, but I still do nto believe the sentence of having a life here. No, am sorry, it's not life. Just say you want money and so you are here. Just say you want YOUR freedom and YOUR happiness, Just say YOU are not bothered about your folks, sisters, brothers left behind, YOU need YOUR life..Which is the real truth.