Happy Anniversary Dearest Ma and Pa

This has been the first time that I have missed giving / sending a card to you on time. I can just be sad about it but I am not. I am happy. Happy because I am taking this effort to write this post for you.

I Love You, Ma and Pa

With each passing day I learn so much from you. I have seen in the past years how you have worked so hard to make me what I am today. And once again  I question myself, hope I have kept your head held high. Hope I am today the person, you dreamt me to be.

Pa, you have so much of patience and I am amazed to see how at this age you can still manage to be so calm and composed. We kids tend to be agitated at small little things, and you still manage to hold the pillars of this house so strongly. Because of you we are all together, not physically but mentally. we are so close knit to each other that we still hold hands and support each other in good and bad times.

Pa, I try my best to be like you. Often, I do take a step back and calm myself in things that do not go as I intended/ planned them to be. Often, I do kick myself when I speak a lot and say speak only as much as you are required to. I still recall all the teachings you have given me. And above all, I have the big thing of being disciplined, being on time, being prim and proper all the time.

Love you papa for all that you have taught me.

Ma, as always we are just don't have a mother-daughter relationship, but as you say our hearts are connected. I am sorry, if I spoke or as you said did not speak with you. I just feel handicapped that I wish I could do something to make you smile. Make you feel happy for what you have. Ma, you only taught us to be strong and be driven by emotions. But, when I see you like this, I feel helpless. I am lost. I wish I come back soon and bring back the smile on your's and Pa's face. I wish I can erase all the troubles in your life. Ma your both daughters need you and want to learn from you. We are not that grown up that we can do things randomly, we still need your advice. Advice, not only in cooking, stitching, etc. but also in maintaining relationships, learning to keep relationships, learning to let go off relationships.

If I'm reborn again as a human, I would just pray to God to make me your daughter again. A daughter who can proudly say that she is your "Son". And yes Ritu if you are reading it, your sister again and that also a younger one so that I can continue bullying you.

Dearest Pa and Ma, 

With all that you have given us, 

With all that you have taught us, 

With all that we have learnt from you, 

I would say Thank You!

Wishing you a wonderful 45th anniversary

thick-skinned

adjective
   insensitive to criticism or insults.
   "you have to be thick-skinned and none too squeamish"
 synonyms: insensitive, unfeeling, tough, hardened, callous, case-hardened; 
                   informal hard- boiled
                   "these guards have gotten pretty thick-skinned over the years"

---

That's the dictionary meaning. But, what is actually entails is so much driven by the fact that we are all humans. I wish I was thick skinned. But, I am not. I want to be accepted by other people. But, when it does not happen I am in the dumps.

Snappy people, rude behavior, negative attitude, or any such action makes me re think! Is there anything wrong with me? What did I do wrong?

Incident #1: A person in my office was yawning every time I talked to him about the project status. It was such an awful feeling standing there, but I had to get the work done. I did get affected by this attitude.

Incident #2: I asked someone how they are doing? I get back a snappy reply.

Incident #3: I purchase an item for someone on their behalf, and am told for one month that what a junk thing I got. 

.. and a number of such incidents

I wish I was not upset with these remarks. I wish they make me strong to bear such incidents in future. But, it's not. I as a human being still get affected by these small things. This concept of being accepted seems to be taking a far greater toil on me than I thought. If i over analyze this subject, it's more like I feel lonely and alienated out here and I am searching for a group or a friend circle to fill me with life. Writing it down seems so depressing, but that's the fact. 

When I was back in India, I doubt if I felt so strongly about it. I know as a kid I used to cry a lot (ok I still do...) I cried  when a close friend of mine left me and became friends with another girl who was supposedly more intelligent. I know I cried when I was taken out form the annual function because I had gone on vacation.. and I know I cry while watching movies. 

But, that is not the point. What am trying to figure out is why am I so sensitive to being accepted? Why can't I just become a thick-skinned person. When I see the sports person or movie stars, I wonder how thick skinned they might be. They are not affected by games lost or flop movies. They still continue to play and act.

Can I do that? I doubt! I'm just being pulled down by these feelings.

Hope, it's just a passing phase, and am bright, cheerful and optimistic soon :)

Cab 83

Today the cab driver was a known gentleman. Driving me to office for I guess the 4th or the 5th time. Another interesting personality!

He was in Air Force. After completing his tenure, he joined Nationwide as a Project Manager. Got laid off in 2008. Did have a PMP then, used to attend PMI workshops etc. After being laid off, he started delivering Pizza, which he still does in the nights. While from Mon-Wed, he drives the cab. His source of income, all his previous and current jobs. 

According to him, he likes his present situation as this is being more active rather than sitting on a desk job all the time. 

I compare the same kind of thing back in India and feel that we have drawn barriers in the society. As in which class does what kind of people. What age, you are supposed to stop working and start praying. What experience, should make you a manager, etc. I guess it's all a cultural issue. We have build the society thus. 

But, what strikes me about this gentleman is that he still has the "Go", the spark to carry on and do something and not sit idle. As I understand he's pretty well off, but he needs some thing to keep himself busy, so he does it.

We have had some wonderful chats. Some have been around the language, some have been around project management, some have been around culture, and some have been just random. 

I can just sum it all to "It's all a learning experience for me". I just can't stop learning :) 

What's your perspective?

Everyone has the right to have different perspectives. But, emphasizing your point in a manner of being right and having experienced it all, is crossing your limits.

1. Mom's and Daughters are not best friends. How can anyone say it so emphatically. Maybe you don't hold such a relationship. I'm not stating nor refuting this statement. I'm pretty close to my mom to the fact that a close friend of mine states that my umbilical cord has not been cut yet. In fact I'm close to both my parents. I talk to them and do a video chat with them twice a day. Right now I have the time and the ability to do, so I do it. This way my parents don't feel that I'm quite far away and are comfortable. I'm also comfortable with the thought knowing how they are doing at all time. Sitting so far away and not being able to support them at this age, this is the least I can do. Unfortunately, for some what I do is wrong. I should not be so attached to my parents. I should slowly lessen that up. But, I wonder why? When that time will come, it will happen. Why should I reduce it now?
2. This is a wonderful country and you should not yearn to return back to your home country. Again why? I'm not saying this is a bad country. But, I don't belong here. My parents, my sister, my life is back in India. What's the harm in yearning to go back? I have made peace with myself to spend the time out here happily, but on the pretext that one day I will go back to where I belong. I do not know what fate has in store for me. But, does that mean I give up on that dream?  

I believe explanations like these make your mind go more anti. You become a rebel and force yourself to think negatively. You want to make that extra effort of proving the other person wrong. In this process what you end up doing is burning your own blood. I know it's not right. But, this time I was lucky, I didn't burn for long. I dusted it off my shoulders.\

Happy Me!

Learning from my own mistakes

I wish I would never make a mistake. But, that is not so. So here I am learning from my own mistakes. Though it is tough. Gives me a hard punch in my stomach. But, I have to do it. Have no choice.

To cite an example, I was asked to setup a help desk software for my company to use. I did some analysis and some trial runs. 

First one, was installed on our server but was very rudimentary. When I gave a demo to my manager. He was not too impressed. So I set onto searching more. 

Second one, was installed on cloud. It costed around $10, but we could not customize it cheap. I just informed him that am searching. But, I did tell him the cost and he was like not much.

Third one, again was installed on cloud and as i did some settings figured it was $15. Since I was on trial version I saw a similar flavor of all customization was available at a lower cost. I confirmed with the support agent and he also agreed that I should go for $25 rather than $40.

I told my manager, showed him the demo and he was all happy with it.

However, later today I found that the low cost one did not give the customization I want.  At this juncture, I hate to go back to my manager and tell him the cost. Ouch! my stomach hurts now.

Another example of today, when the team proposed a solution they gave a certain estimate based on assumptions that were never written. When this project got handed down to me for requirements, I was told nothing about those assumptions. All through the requirements things went back and forth, wire frames were designed and still no assumptions came alive. Now, when we started the design discussion some 2 months later that assumption suddenly came afloat and the blame game started. The design team/ estimation team asked me to go back and inform the customer for scope change and to pay more. 

Suddenly, it appears the whole mistake was done my me in my requirements. But, I clearly remember telling these folks that this is how the current system behaves. It appears they did not even hear it.

Not liking the day today. Nothing seems to be going as expected and I have a weird churning in my stomach and a strange shiver.  I don't want to acknowledge or say the STR*** word. I'm not in that area. I know it,

I just need to work and figure I do not make these mistakes again.

Cab 72

Another interesting persona and another interesting anecdote.

There are very few cab drivers with whom I'm in conversation during my 20 min journey from home to office. The cab driver who came to pick me up yesterday was one of those with whom I had not struck a conversation as yet.

He came to US around 4 years back from Sudan. Came here for studies (@San Jose) did his degree in Electrical Engineering, which according to him was more theoretical than practical. Somehow he did get a job but unfortunately he was laid off in 2009. Later he moved to Columbus, OH and then joined OSU again studying for Computer Science. Along with his studies he also drives a cab that is leased. He goes offline for few hours in the afternoon and attends his classes. When he is not driving , he is studying. He carries his books along with him at all times.

For the money part, he likes driving the cab better than his previous job that was working as a tech support with Verizon. That didn't pay him much. The cab he drives right now is leased, but he still saves in a lot of money. According to him, though the cash inflow is good, the cash outflow is equally good. There is a struggle to save money with cash as compared to paychecks.

This was all quite interesting, as I have been in a service line for a decade now and I do see the benefits of having a secure pay, saving and a regular cash inflow. I wonder the struggle other people make in saving the money they earn. I prefer the service line also because it brings in a sense of security and I'm not jittery about the fact how will I manage the next day. I guess these are all different learnings of life.

I am thankful for what all I have and the guidance I have received from my loved ones around me o make me this stable.

Love you all!

Cab 799

I have been taking a cab for 4.5 months now. It's a one way ride just from home to office. Evening Dhruv picks me up. Everyday I learn something new and interesting from these cab drivers. 

Today I got another new person to take me to office. Cab 799. He was around  50+ in age. We generally started talking, which route to take. He asked me what do I do and I said "I work in the IT field". On which he said, "I should have known. Most Indians work in the IT field." He further went on asking which part of the country did I belong to and my answer was North. On which he concluded that most of the times he has seen South Indians in the IT field and on conversation with them it has come out that they find that North Indians do not study till Masters. They just come here study till Bachelor's and get into the Government Services.

I asked him a similar question where did he belong to on which he replied Afghanistan and to what brought him here, he said Education.  He's done major in Horticulture, then moved to Agriculture, then changed his career to Networking and now drives a Cab. 

Interesting! 

I was not much surprised 'cause he is the second person I've met who has done such a variety of things. Why he changed? He did not like sedentary jobs. Simple!

We kept conversing further and he told me about his son who's quite intelligent but refuses to study as he finds study will get him no further. If his dad drives a cab even after a Master's what good would study get him.  He was also of the notion that I should go back to my home country to bring up my kids and family. 'Cause here life is too easy and there is a lot of money. Kids do not understand what the real essence of education is, how valuable money is and how difficult life is.

They see all the luxurious and tend to go dull, slow and lazy.

This whole conversation was quite thought provocative. We or my generation only sees the luxury of this life. We are in fact blinded by all this glitter that we forget to work hard. We enjoy the easy and relaxed life. Is changing a country the solution. I don't think so! It's the values that parents imbibe in kids. It's how you raise your kids and how you portray yourself in front of them.

1000 Horses

A 1000 horses! Yes, it took me a 1000 horses to pull myself up again.

Going through this feeling for the past 1.5 years. Every month there's a new hope and every month it is shattered. 

But, I won't give up. And right now I can scream on top of my voice so that He hears it. I'm not giving up. I know you have something good stored in for me and You have laid out the best plans for me. I will wait.

But, I need to say this! I'm human. I will cry, I will scream, I will say "Why Me"! But, I will not give up.

I will fight and get through this phase of my life. I know there is light somewhere close by!

Just be there please. Help me, get through this!


A small poem to summarize it all:

Zidagi Hai To Khwab Hain,

Khwab Hai To Manzilain Hain,

Manzilain Hai To Faasle Hain,

Faasle Hai To Raaste Hain,

Raaste Hai To Mushkilain Hain,

Mushkilain Hain To Hausla Hain,

Hausla Hai To Vishwas Hai,

Kyonki Fighter Hamesha Jeet-ta Hai.

Where's the "Glow" gone?

I was talking to Dhruv the other day and I said, "Somehow my recent photos do not show any glow on my face. I wonder why?" I look back at my travel photos from San Francisco, Maine, Paris and Rome and I feel happiness from within. But, when I look at my photos from IIFA, Miami, Smoky Mountains, and Grand Canyon, I feel am lacking the spirit. 

So what's changed?

I know that from my initial photos, I was newly married, I was working, I was in India at a particular moment and I knew I would be in India at some point of time.

And now, I left the job and came here to join Dhruv, I had a year's stint to be at home, I moved out of India, I started working but not quite satisfied (which ideally I should).

Why am I lacking that glow? I'm definitely not SAD, but I think I'm not that HAPPY even. There is so much anxiety in my mind. Uncertainty of what's going to happen next? Wait, to get back to India and settle down. Longing to have a respectable job where I feel some accomplishments and satisfaction.

This again is a part of life, everyone has their ups and downs. I'm in that phase where I feel it's not up but it's definitely not down. Being not in the job was one of the "down-phase" for me. So, I've definitely come up on that.

I guess I will have to bring in more positivism to my outlook and perception on how I things. I need to learn to appreciate things around myself. 

Hope I get the "Glow" back!!