Define 'Mad'

Today I finished the book “Veronika Decides to Die’ by Paulo Coelho. These days whatever I read, I try to infer things from those readings. I try to correlate things to my situation. I try to seek answers to many-a-questions in my life. This time the things I concluded was the more we try to suppress our inner feelings, we go mad. A term very much used in the society when we attempt to do something different from the regular routine. It’s more or less like breaking the rules of life

The book starts with questions the term – Mad. The answer came as “Anyone who lives in their own world is Mad”. But, is that so. It also says people who break the rules are cowards. Today as I stand and look back upon my life, I feel I have been living by the rules. That means I am not a coward. I am not sure if I believe that. I am scared of breaking rules. I am scared of hurting people I love and also people whom I don’t love. I am ready to hurt myself to the extent that things go fine with others.

Is that right? I have asked that question a lot many times. And it has always been a mixed set of opinions. My mind wanders to different things and topics right now. Let me take it one by one.

As I stand tall on my feet today, with my shoulders slumped a little by the burden I bear on my mind, I do not know where am heading to. I am lost. I owe my existence to my parents. I owe my bringing up to them and I owe my life to them. I believe I do not have the power to take decisions in my life. I have also been taught that a decision accepted by all in the family is a good decision. A decision in the favor of any one person is not a good decision. So for that matter I have let go a lot of decisions in my life. I have given them the authority or better said. I never have taken the ownership of my decisions. My friends know me when it comes to personal decisions I am a weakling in that case.

The next thing that comes to my mind is following the rules. It’s been always like that. A strict disciplined life. Whenever I tend to slack, I loose the focus point and my whole routine goes upside down. Sometimes, I wonder, is that bad. Frankly speaking, I do not think so. Coming out here and starting my life afresh I have learned to relax a bit. I’ve learned everything gets done but in its own time. I’ve accepted the fact that hurrying and worrying would not lead me anywhere. I have not yet changed completely. But, once in a while I try to practice this. It’s all in the mind I guess J

Reading the book mentioned above, the one feel I have got is do what you want and not what others want. People will come and say for my sake, for love sake, for any damn sake. Just believe in yourself. If you like to jump on the bed, then you better do so. If you want to sit whole night watching the stars then you better do so. But, remember tomorrow is office and you have a whole day ahead. Here I go back again, I guess being free is a difficult thing to achieve. Freeing your mind is the toughest of all.

Maybe I’ll reach that stage some day

I believe I can fly..

Yes, the belief is still there in me. But, when would that happen? I feel like a bird whose wings have been clipped off. I want to fly, I want to feel the blue blue sky, I want to feel the wind against my face, I want to feel free. But, what I am feeling now is all choked up. I am being strangled so hard that I am now finding it difficult to breathe. Someone once told me, when things are not under your control.. just smile. I tried, I did try. I tried to forget my problems and forced myself to smile. It worked for a minute and then off it went.

I wonder how far can I go on. Till how long I can bear all this. I so wish to break the rules and live life by my terms. I want to scream "it's my life" but I can't . It's not my life any longer. I have choices. Both, choices are good. But they are both conditional choices. And the best thing, I loose in both the choices. Now, isn't life beautiful.

I still love life!! I still love God's creation and I still can manage to smile with tears filled in my eyes.

Who rules ? Heart or the Mind...

Here's a question for me to answer, but I never get one. I wonder who is stronger - Heart, the weakling or the Mind, the logical? I have always bee in favor of the mind and not the heart. I think the heart is so much overruled by emotions that it forgets everything else. Whereas, the mind is continuously thinking and finding logical solutions. Mind as we say is very strong and tells us the difference between right and wrong. What to give up and what to accept? It seems so vague and ambiguous but that is what mind is all about. Heart is full of emotions; it goes through all the different feelings. Today as I stand and look back, I see myself being lead by my mind. But, now am so tempted to follow the heart. Too much of logical thinking has made me tired. I am fighting my own self, torn between the heart and the mind. Today I am standing in a position where there are two paths, one that leads to what my heart wants and the other is what my mind is asking me to do. Which path to take is yet to be decided... So I wonder who rules?